Sunday, February 28, 2010

Looking forward ..

RJuly209 089
Sooooooon we’ll be seeing these everywhere … I can’t wait! Today is such a dreary February day .. Tomorrow is March! YEAH!!!! March means Spring!  flowers, sunshine … end of winter, and the start of new beginnings!!
It’s a great sign when you’re driving at 6:15am and it is light out!!!  Hmm.. maybe I shouldn’t rush summer on too quick .. I need time to sculpt a bikini body!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

the trust ..

So, a couple of months ago I wrote about keeping it real … I don’t do a good job with keeping it real .. I try and put humor in my posts, and try to ignore the things that make me angry or hurt me; but lately things have been boiling over .. (hence the lack of blogging .. ) ..
One of my things on my 2010 list was to keep a real blog now .. so, let’s talk .. I recently moved back home after ending my almost 20 year marriage. We married young .. we grew and matured at different rates .. and after 15 years I started to realize that the marriage wasn’t balanced. The biggest problem in our marriage was being respected, and the lack there of.  Don’t get me wrong .. he was a ‘good man’ and a good dad .. just when it came to us and me, my voice didn’t count. Unfortunately, I waited too long and by the time we tried the counseling routine, I was too far removed, and the emotional trust I had with him was gone. We separated, and after eight months, I thought perhaps one more try .. but it became evident too quickly that, for me, emotionally, it was not going to come back, and the trust was forever gone.  Five days before our 20th the divorce was final. 
Obviously I have condensed the story, and skipped the sordid details .. the bottom line became the emotional trust factor .. when I realized I wasn’t ever good enough to be heard, I started building my walls to keep him out, thus allowing myself to grow strong and independent. As I grew more confident, I became less flexible to  his wants and needs … and hence we stopped being a couple. Now that I am here with my two teenagers, single and strong, I wonder if my walls will ever come down. After having been in that relationship for so long, where I felt I wasn’t valued and respected, will I ever be able to allow anyone in close enough to show me that a true relationship is a partnership, which can exist; where respect flows mutually, and where I am valued for who I am.
Even though I have been divorced a few months, I feel like I have been physically and emotionally alone for a long time..  I think I have adapted well. I have learned that I don’t need someone in my life, rather, I can choose to want that someone in my life. 
I did meet someone, I let him in a little .. enough of a little, to take my breath away .. enough of a little to start listening to his words, enough of a little to raise my fears and heighten my senses … I let him in a little too much, and now I am questioning if I have betrayed myself … again.

 Bruce 017

Friday, February 19, 2010

Is it time .... ?

   Occasionally I will "blog surf" and just read how others write. I love what this writer wrote:

"A leaf, pale gold and curled, lifts from a branch and rises in the updraft of an easy, cold breeze. It’s the middle of February, near the end of a rough winter, and somehow that leaf had been holding tight to its branch for all these months, through several feet of snow and the hard bite of blizzard winds. Then, on a sunny morning in a halfhearted breeze, it finally lets go.

I watch it twist and roll on an invisible current, never losing altitude, until it disappears around the corner of the house.

That, I think. I want to feel like that." A direct quote from Thursday Drive

That's where I am. I went into 2010 with a new attitude, this was going to be my year. A firm believer of "things happen for a reason" .. but OMG ... can someone please shed some light??
(I know it's been only seven weeks into 2010 .. truly, I am a positive thinker ... REALLY! I AM!)

Am I that much of a control freak that I thought I could make it all happen? Now that life is taking it's twists and turns, am I finally recognizing that I don't control it all? Do I need to consider letting go..
Is it time for me to 'go with the flow' and be like that leaf, let the wind carry me around the corner ...

More changes are coming .. some expected and some not ..  where is that crystal ball .. oh, wait that wouldn't account for the "go with the flow" .. I guess it's back to the drawing board with goals and lists .. add a little faith and  keep the vision...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

River of Dreams ..

For once I am feeling like I don't want to have a positive, can-do attitude. I had hoped for a break of sorts, and it didn't happen .. so today I am going to just feel like ugh.
Tomorrow will be a new day .. new adventure .. blah, blah, blah ...
I like this song ...  completely forgot how happy it can make me feel  (... see the negative doesn't stay long..)
The words are great .. enjoy!

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose
Something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for
(Three beat Pause)
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night (break)
I’m not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' through the promised land (Long Five beat Pause)
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night