So, a couple of months ago I wrote about keeping it real … I don’t do a good job with keeping it real .. I try and put humor in my posts, and try to ignore the things that make me angry or hurt me; but lately things have been boiling over .. (hence the lack of blogging .. ) ..
One of my things on my 2010 list was to keep a real blog now .. so, let’s talk .. I recently moved back home after ending my almost 20 year marriage. We married young .. we grew and matured at different rates .. and after 15 years I started to realize that the marriage wasn’t balanced. The biggest problem in our marriage was being respected, and the lack there of. Don’t get me wrong .. he was a ‘good man’ and a good dad .. just when it came to us and me, my voice didn’t count. Unfortunately, I waited too long and by the time we tried the counseling routine, I was too far removed, and the emotional trust I had with him was gone. We separated, and after eight months, I thought perhaps one more try .. but it became evident too quickly that, for me, emotionally, it was not going to come back, and the trust was forever gone. Five days before our 20th the divorce was final.
Obviously I have condensed the story, and skipped the sordid details .. the bottom line became the emotional trust factor .. when I realized I wasn’t ever good enough to be heard, I started building my walls to keep him out, thus allowing myself to grow strong and independent. As I grew more confident, I became less flexible to his wants and needs … and hence we stopped being a couple. Now that I am here with my two teenagers, single and strong, I wonder if my walls will ever come down. After having been in that relationship for so long, where I felt I wasn’t valued and respected, will I ever be able to allow anyone in close enough to show me that a true relationship is a partnership, which can exist; where respect flows mutually, and where I am valued for who I am.
Even though I have been divorced a few months, I feel like I have been physically and emotionally alone for a long time.. I think I have adapted well. I have learned that I don’t need someone in my life, rather, I can choose to want that someone in my life.
I did meet someone, I let him in a little .. enough of a little, to take my breath away .. enough of a little to start listening to his words, enough of a little to raise my fears and heighten my senses … I let him in a little too much, and now I am questioning if I have betrayed myself … again.